FORE USING IT.  WHILE IT IS ALWAYS MEANT TO BE HUMOROUS AND NOT TO BE OFFENSIVE, I HAVE BEEN TOLD THAT FROM TIME TO TIME ITEMS APPEAR IN THE BARRY PATCH (They just sud^AIT IS SUGGESTED THAT ALL EDITORS AND SYSOPS CAREFULLY READ BARRY PATCH MATERIAL BEFORE USING IT.  WHILE IT IS ALWAYS MEANT TO BE HUMOROUS AND NOT TO BE OFFENSIVE, I HAVE BEEN TOLD THAT FROM TIME TO TIME ITEMS APPEAR IN THE BARRY PATCH (They just suddenly grow thru, poking their way thru the soil of my mind ---or is it soiled mind).  In any case, use and edit as you feel best. 
 
THE BARRY PATCH: 

A SUPRISE USE FOR THE MODEM. 
 
As you are aware in prior columns I have covered many of the major uses for the modem (paper weight, door stop, fishing sinker, base for baseball game, etc.) but a reader has suggested a NEW and NOVEL use for the MODEM-------TELECOMMUNICATION.  I know, one you never would have thought of, I know I didn't.  
 
Well I am sure some of you are asking---HOW DO YOU USE THE MODEM FOR TELECOMMUNICATION---WHAT DO YOU DO----WHAT DO YOU NEED--ETC. ????? 

I will give you a summary from the book Leroy's Lessons on Telec ommunicatins (for sale wherever the police will allow it, at sleezy bookstores everywhere).  
l. Get a modem.  (An obvious need but one that the average user is sure to over look.). 
2. Get a telephone.  (Another aspect often overlooked by novice modemers) 
3. Purchase electric service from your local utility as this is impo rtant.  
4. Purchase phone service from your local phone co. as this is also important. 
5. Hire electrical/nuclear engineer to hook up phone, modem and computer. OR if you are rich and can afford to REpurchase your entire setup, hook it up yourself. 
6. Send Leroy $l00.00.  (This advice appears very often and therefore must be of prime importance). 
7. Buy from Leroy the private unlisted phone numbers of the rich & famouos BBSs and BBS operators (which are called sysops--terms explained in the competitively price companion dictionary of terms that can be purchased to go with Leroy's Lessons). 
8. Buy, read and study all books listing names to name your baby.  (Look at maternity department of store).  Study this carefully as well as at least three foreign languages , besides CP/M.  
9. Send Leroy $l00.00. 
l0. Go back to step 8 and complete it again, go to step 9, comply with that and then go to step ll.  
ll. Pick out your handle (like an alias or also know as) and password (like open sesame, shazam, etc.).  You will need a handle and password for most BBSs.  Its like joining a secret club with code words, pass words, secret rituals, secret sexual rituals, human sacrifice, etc. 
12. Next get a large supply of food, drink, portible bathroom facilities, shaving equipment, etc. ready by your modem/computer/phone area.  
l3. Next take Leroy's Learn to Type course, correspondance only. 
l4. You are now ready to call your first BBS. 
l5. From this point one I will start numbering the lessons as A,B,C,etc.  as these will be what to do while you are on-line (like that term, its a technical term which is defined in Leroy's companion dictionary as indicated above). 
 
A. Dial your BBS from the list previously purchased from Leroy. 
B. Read the screen as the BBS answers your call.  It will ask some questions, which you will be prepared to answer IF you have taken Leroy's Computer Literacy course AND Leroy's Modem Literacy Course, have purchased your cap and gown, diploma, graduation pictures, etc. 
C. Some of the questions will deal with your password, code word, handle, sexual preference, physical measurements, etc.  All of which you will be prepared for IF you have followed steps 6 & 9 above. 
D. After this grueling examination (for those of you who have not taken Leroy's course), the BBS screen will say you are "VERIFIED" (See Leroy's companion dictionary for meaning). 
E. At this point you will be given choices as to what you should do, etc. DO NOT FALL FOR THIS TRICK OF THE SYSOP. 
F. Most sysops are paid by the hour and therefore all they want to do is put in their time with as little problems and interuptions as possible.  So they have set up this MENU (See Leroy's dictionary) so YOU will DO THEIR WORK FOR THEM.  DO NOT FALL INTO THIS TRAP. 
G. HIT C(hat) for CHAT on most BBSs and check on others to see what you need to do to call the SYSOP. 
H. LET HIM EARN HIS LIVING.  Don't bother looking over the menu, JUST TELL THE SYSOP what area you want to see.  He can get you there quicker than you could do yourself.  IF he is hesitant remind him who pays his salary. 
I. If the above fails, do NOT threaten to go to another BBS, as he may have one he is in competition with and will try to send you there to MAKE HIS RIVAL WORK.  Instead threaten to have all your friends call his BBS and tell him you will give them ALL of Leroy's secrets including the C(hat) secret.  This will usually bring him around. 
J. ONE AREA YOU WILL WANT TO SEE WILL BE THE MESSAGE AREAS, PRIVATE AND PUBLIC. 
As these message areas will require some further instruction (which can be quickly obtained by purchasing Leroy's Message Lessons), I will again change going back to numbers, so as to keep this section separate also. 
 
MESSAGES: 
l. One easy way to leave a message is to JUST COPY some other message word by word, letter by letter and then leave it as your own.  At best no one will notice that it is a copy of another and at worst just bluff your way out claiming that YOUR message was left FIRST and the other person COPIED YOUR MESSAGE. 
2. In case you are not able to find someone else's message that says what you want to say and therefore copying another's message will not work, go to step 3. 
3. Send Leroy $l00.00. 
4. BE SURE NO ONE IS LOOKING OVER YOUR SHOULDER, WHAT I AM ABOUT TO TELL YOU IS SO SIMPLE, SO TRUE, BUT SO SELDOM REALIZED THAT YOU CANNOT TAKE A CHANCE ON SOMEONE ELSE SEEING THIS. 
5. HERE IT IS ----------MESSAGES are JUST a series of symbols, numbers and letters in various groupings and order.  That's it.  The secret of messages.  You just take letters, numbers and symbols and arrange them in various (pleasing to the eye) patterns and shapes and you will have created messages. 
6. NOW for FANCY MESSAGES. You can leave messages that look like your are an expert in CP/M .  AGAIN BE SURE NO ONE IS LISTENING OR LOOKING OVER YOUR SHOULDER, THIS ONE IS A HIGHLY GUARDED SECRET. 
 
7. Just use the following approximately every 4th or 5th word. (Use in any order, may repeat if you wish). 
Squeeze, unsqueeze, crunch, uncrunch, library, delibrary, archieve, de-archieve,.COM,.TXT,.ARC,.IMP,.ZMP,.CHIMP,TDOS,VDOS,VD-DOSE,FALCO,XMODEM,YMODEM, ZMODEM,MEMODEM,UMODEM,IT-SHE OR IT-MODEM,.LIB,CRN,IZP, (for further terms to use when speaking CP/M, purchase Leroy's Languages of the World, Vol.12-CP/M). 
8. TO appear to be an OLD PRO at modeming, use the following terms, much in the way indicated for CP/M above........Download, DL,Upload,UL,Sysop, Access Level, Subop,Hop-op,Sock-hop, ram drive, adamlink34.5+++ (Purchase Leroy's Mastering the Modem for Midgets). 
9. Now we will conclude your use of the modem.  (Again I change to letters to keep this separate). 
A. NEVER TIP A SYSOP.  They are all well paid and it is not proper to tip them. 
B. Again make them do their job.  When you want to sign off, tell them you DEMAND THEY GIVE YOU A FORCED SIGNOFF (this has the least amount of work for you). 
C. If they refuse #B, then do NOT bother to go thru the long procedure of formally signing off, answering some dumb questions, etc.  JUST HANG UP.  If the sysop was rude, do not MERELY HANG UP BUT SLAM THE PHONE DOWN. 
D. Send Leroy $l00.00. 
E. Consider Leroy's other course........
   How to use your bathroom.
   How to cook on your car's engine block.
   Auto-Window repair co-authored with J.D.
   
Thank you for your attention, there will be a test on this material at the next session. 

